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Community Perspective

Here are utterances we will never hear anywhere

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What follows are some statements we will never hear from individuals or organizations, except perhaps if they were administered sodium pentothal or some other potent form of truth serum. It’s fortunate that the people cited aren’t reflective of all of the human population, but they do make it difficult on others.

• “The tremendous spike in the consumer price for our patented medicine was so that we could increase the salary and bonuses of our company’s top officers and increase shareholder dividends.”

• “I ran for public office to establish a career and the only thing I care about on a continuing basis is re-election.”

• “We are very poor parents and we don’t try very hard at it, so we rely on our schools and society to make up for all of our mistakes.”

• “I am the dork responsible for the recent wildfire that destroyed thousands of acres and cost millions of dollars and risked the lives of firefighters and others.”

• “I am an extremely poor driver and my ineptness caused the accident on the highway recently that caused backups for 16 miles and disrupted the lives of thousands of people. I sincerely apologize.”

• “As a candidate running for the highest office in the land, I apologize for making crude and racially abusive comments, but I don’t really mean that.”

• “As a high-ranking official in the church I neglected my responsibilities and turned a blind eye on child abusers in my jurisdictions. I deserve to be arrested and put into prison for life.”

• “Manufacturing these lawn mowers, we’ve switched from metal to plastic parts that we know will wear out more quickly, requiring customers to purchase a new unit much sooner.”

• “I am stingy with the salaries of my restaurant employees, so that’s why I expect customers to pay a big tip.”

• “We constantly develop new operating systems, software and applications not to make IT devices more user-friendly, but to increase our bottom line.”

• “Outsourcing the manufacture of our products to a foreign country that put 10,000 Americans out of jobs; and sheltering the company’s earnings in offshore accounts, has allowed me to purchase a $4 million mansion in the Hamptons and buy that 100-foot yacht I’ve wanted for so long.”

• “As a media outlet we are extremely biased toward one side of the political spectrum, so do not expect balanced news when you turn to us.”

• “Our company is involved in the manufacture of fire arms and other weapons, which is a very lucrative business. For that reason, we will continue to lobby Congress to prevent any measures to control the sale of military-style assault weapons, even if such measures would save thousands of lives.”

• “We believe in energy conservation as long as it doesn’t apply to us.”

• “I am a poor listener and can only see one side of an argument.”

• “Trickle-down economics raised only the yachts, not all the boats, but I would never admit that to anyone.”

• “We did not study economics in school and since we know nothing about a free-market economy, and because we do not own any shares of stock in companies, we are patently against big business.”

• “I, the person writing this, admit to being absorbed in my own life and not doing enough to help solve some of the world’s festering problems.”

Frank E. Baker is a freelance writer who lives in Eagle River.

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