Letter to the Editor
Child care
Published Friday, March 7, 2008
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To the editor:
The impending closure of Play N Learn West has raised concern in our community about shrinking day care options; however, I believe the real crisis is our increasing dependence on institutions to care for our young children.
Parenting is not a respected vocation in our society, and consequently many families do not consider the option of caring for their own small children. Again and again, full time parenting is dismissed. In a recent News-Miner article (Feb. 23, 2008), the outgoing director of Play N Learn West stated that “most parents don’t get the option of staying home with their kids.” I disagree. All parents do have the option of staying at home with their children. The sacrifices required are great, and families may decide those sacrifices are too much, but the option merits full consideration.
Our children deserve the very best care. To expect babies and toddlers to thrive in crowded classrooms staffed by poorly paid and frequently changing teachers is absurd! During the critical first years of life, children should be in the consistent and loving care of those best able to focus on their individual needs: parents.
Take this opportunity to re-evaluate your family’s need for day care. More than 5.6 million American families have made the choice to have a parent care for their children full time (U.S. Census data, 2006). You can do it, too!
Community Discussion
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Wow! You are very presumptuous and judgemental. No, not everyone has the option of staying home - you should read the book titled "The Feminine Mistake" and worry about yourself. The book discusses the "ruin" a family finds itself in when tradgedy strikes - divorce, death of the breadwinner, retirement...Society is very unstable at this point in time so I commend working parents. I dont necessarily work to survive - I work to pay for my husband's college loans, save for retirement, save to put my own children through college, and make life a little bit easier. I believe that children that attend good daycare situations are much more socially adapted and more academically advanced than children who are at home until Kindergarten - I teach, I know. Plus, there would be very few people to educate YOUR children (teachers) if there were no working moms. If staying at home works for you and your family that is great, but do not stick your nose up at working parents because they are what makes this world go around!
Thank you, Katie, for this insight. AKMOM3, thank you for mentioning the book that you did, I'll look that up. I recommend the book for you, AKMOM3, "Home by Choice: Raising Emotionally Secure Children in an Insecure World" by Brenda Hunter, Ph.D. This book includes some of the latest that research has to offer about "other than mother" care and the benefits of staying home with one's own child or children. I recommend it so much that I'll send you a free copy if you are interested. You can e-mail me at waynenikkih@yahoo.com, and so can anyone else reading this if they'd like a copy, if you'd like a free copy.
Regardless of whether you ever stay home or not, AKMOM3, as a teacher, you might well consider keeping up to date on all issues of raising children that are occuring on a large scale in our nation, and certainly, the move of Mommas from the workforce-to-home full-time is happening on a rather large scale.
As far as preparing for the "ruin" of a family when disaster, retirement, etc. strikes... This is 2008, and I know of no stay-at-home wives or mothers (and I am involved with two local family groups and know many of these women) who haven't, with their husbands, planned for such an occurance and saved/planned accordingly. Sure, there may be some out there, but there are also a great many couples living on two incomes that would be in much the same boat of "ruin" if one of them lost their job or died. Most often, the present and the future can be lived and prepared for financially just as easily on one income as two, it just depends upon the husband's and wife's goals, planning, and spending habits. The old saying "It's not what you make, it's how you spend." holds so very true.
Thank you, Katie and AKMOM3 for your time and for both of you providing input on this topic.
Correction: on paragraph three, sentence two I meant to type "wives and mothers".
WOW Waynenikkih...you must live in a pretty small bubble of friends. You say "This is 2008, and I know of no stay-at-home wives or mothers (and I am involved with two local family groups and know many of these women) who haven't, with their husbands, planned for such an occurence and saved/planned accordingly." I have been in the financial planning arena for years...and according to the research I am privy to, less than 5% of American families are ready for any type of catestrophic disaster, job loss, long-term disability or even retirement. This is the 21st century and times have changed. It is no longer possible for most families to choose a stay-at-home environment and as AKMOM says...the social benefits for the children in being exposed to child-care is important in future development and preparedness.
Before I became a SAHM a year ago, I was SO worried about living on one income...even worse a military income. It has taken awhile to adjust, and we have to go without, what I now consider "frivolous". And we always have a CC for back up for emergencies. So you CAN survive on one income, if you choose to. I didn't think we could do it, but we have. And the rewards are wonderful to be able to stay at home with my daughter, who at 2 1/2 speaks better than alot of full time daycare children. Daycare providers can't be everything to you child like you can. Most of us take off only a few yrs to stay home and go back to the work force. But definately learn a few things about being frugal. BUT what is REALLY sad, is that if you are a SAHM you INSTANTLY get judged for doing so. We are put into a "category" and that is pretty sad. And by the way, we don't stayed holed up in our houses being SAHM's, our children do get "social benefits". Mine even goes to hourly care once a week, I think that is VERY important. But please don't bash us SAHM's for doing so, we hear it ALL the time. And we might just be able to teach you a thing or 2 about being frugal, you'd be amazed the changes you can make to live on one income!
There will always be the debate as to what is better. Stay at home or work and use a daycare facility. It is a decision that is made in each family, for what ever reasons. Let it stay there. One side is not going to convert the other and we are focusing on the wrong thing.
Is the good care available for the parents who choose daycare? All mom's can agree that no child should be put at risk weather at a home with parents or at daycare.
What we should be fighting for together is to make sure that children are safe, for both stay at home familys and working familys. Not all stay at home mom's are helping their child grow and learn and not all daycare facilities are providing the best care, we need to have one voice and support each other to help the children. There is a shortage of spots in a good facility availabe for the children something should be done to keep children from dangerous places and we all can help.
The shortage of day care options in Fairbanks lies squarely on the shoulders of the parents, not the institutions or the government. Providing quality day care isn't cheap what with certifications, regulatory compliance, and facility expenses. The work is demanding and earning third world wages for it isn't very appealing. Get it?
No, OLDAKCUSS, I don't live in a pretty small bubble of friends, I have many friends from all walks of life and lifestyles. I had just referred to the ones I know who are stay-at-home wives and mothers in the quote you referred to. I hope that you aren't stereotyping me as an old-fashioned or any other type of stay-at-home wife and mother, you Old Alaska Cuss :) (Ha!) by making the protected, small bubble type of remark. Far from it, today's homemakers are very active both in and outside of the home via volunteer work, children's play groups, community building, certainly above all family building, and even politics, etc. Actually, I don't (nor do the women I know whether they work outside of the home or not) live in any type of bubble, but in our big, real world that I/we know that I/we, and everyone else who chooses to, can make a nicer, better place to live.
As to which is better for our future preparedness and development as far as children being raised in daycare or mother care goes, it seems likely that we both have our opinions and studies to back them up.
And OLDAKCUSS, it is entirely possible for many American families to live on a one income - it's how the husband and wife choose to make life for their family. They don't have to be poor or rich to live well on one income - they just have to make the choice and then find the way, if need be, to do so, and they have to plan and spend accordingly. We live in America, we all have many choices that are ours and ours alone to make, and certainly that of being a one or two or more income family is one of those
"Far from it, today's homemakers are very active both in and outside of the home via volunteer work, children's play groups, community building, certainly above all family building, and even politics, etc." - Oops again, I mean *many* of today's homemakers, of course not all...
I have a question for wynenikkih and Katie, Let me pose this to you, What do you suggest single parents do? Some of us don't have the option to be stay at home parents, especially when you only have one income to survive on. Should I not depend on a chilcare facility to take care of my child while I work hard to provide for both of us or should I be a stay at home parent with no home to live in becuase I have no income to provide that for us? Before you critize people for being dependent upon a facility you should consider all of us out there and all the diferent situations we face. I've been very active in seeking out the best care possible for my child while I work hard every day to provide food, clothing, shelter for her. I would love to be at home with my child but some of us don't have that choice to make. I agree very much with fbdreader, what we face is making sure our children are safe, not why we choose to either work or stay at home and if it's wrong or right.
Hi, ME -
Please notice that in all of my postings I always referred to "wives and mothers" - meaning that I was 100% referring to married woman, not single mothers. I wasn't criticizing you or any other mother.
What do I suggest single mothers do? The very best they can. Single mothers can seek out the non-financial support and encouragement of other women to be there for them and help them in any way they can; this is a great thing to do and can be of tremendous help. As far as childcare, a relative or a private sitter (perhaps a friend who stays home) are great alternatives to many non-extraordinary daycares, and if this is not an option, there are other ways to make the best of this situation (being involved, studying mothering, etc.). And in case it matters, I was a single mother for about four-years, and not so long ago, so I do and can relate to probably much of what you face. You know what, I am here for you and I mean that sincerely. You can contact me by clicking my user-name on here.
Waynenikkih- Have you ever considered that maybe some women are not cut out to be stay-at-home moms. I myself tried to be a stay-at-home mom for the first year of my first daughters life--this proved to not be the best thing for my mental state or hers. I am not the kind of person that does well with little or no contact with the public--therefore I am a better mother to my children if my state of mind is in the right place.
So let me get this straight, you would rather me be someone that stays home with my child and lives off welfare and others taxs dollars than be a working single mother...hmm, interesting.
Hi, Lagirl -
Yes, I have considered this and believe it regarding not all women being cut-out to be a stay-at-home wives and mothers. I don't believe that I've written in any post that every woman should stay home. What I have tried to do is stop stereotypes about today's homemakers, provide answers, and offer a book to those interested, and friendship and support to the women of our community. Please forgive me if I have come across in any other way - it's hard to get exactly what one is trying to say out in writing sometimes. But so you know, I've been a working Momma (two jobs and going to school), a single Momma, and very thankfully now a stay-and-love-at-home wife and mother.
You state that you are not the kind of person that does well with little or no contact with the public - the fact is, very few women seem to be. Being a housewife doesn't mean one doesn't have public contact with others, but means that if one times things well or just wants to, she can (and most of the women I know do) have as much public contact as she chooses and maintain a smooth-running home. There are plenty of local stay-at-home wives, mothers, and homemakers that are very active in our society.
I have so many things to do today that I can't answer any more questions and make comments at this time. If any of you would like to contact me privately, again, you can e-mail me by clicking on my user-name or e-mail address given in a comment above.
Have a super Friday - and thank you all for your comments and questions - it is very helpful to me in learning more about how others feel and believe, and I hope therefore, make me a more compassionate, understanding, open-minded woman.
Snowbunny, please reread, that was not mentioned at all.
Waynenikkih, thanks for the insight. I HAVE kept up with the latest research (it is part of my job) and am not denying that there are benefits to staying at home with your kids. I am fortunate to be a SAHM 17 weeks a year! In response to the original letter, apparently people need to realize that there are benefits to BOTH. Just like in medical research, you can find a study to backup whatever you believe. I agree with whoever said that we should just worry about the health and safety of our own kids and quit critcizing those who dont choose to do what we do - you will never change someone elses opinion. Artist4Sale, I get sick of the negative comments about working moms because we hear it all the time as well - it goes both ways and THAT was the point of my original post. I can find a very recent research article in support of the expressive/receptive language skills of daycare kids being higher. I dont care what others choose to do with their kids - just dont be narrow minded.
I truly believe that if you are providing a safe and loving environment for your children--that is really all that matters. If you surround your children with love and attention (even if it is only for the few hours at night that you get with them) you are doing the right thing for your family. Furthermore-staying involved is the key-if you choose to not ask questions and let someone else raise your kids that is exactly what will happen. I applaude those SAHMs, because I can't do it--but please don't assume that you are better for it than those working moms.
Wow Snowbunny, thanks for ASSUMING all of us stay at home moms are on welfare! No one here is TELLING anyone to do this or do that. Just opinions. AND Katie wasn't saying anything about single moms. Yes single moms have to work, all she was saying was that if you really buckle down and budget for a few years you don't HAVE to do daycare, and you can provide the best care for your child. And that is in a 2 parent household. She said nothing about single moms.
As the author of the original Letter to the Editor, I have a few comments to make about the subsequent discussion. First, THANK YOU to all who have taken time to read and to discuss my thoughts! That was truly my goal when I composed the letter. I want to raise awareness of the option of stay-at-home parenting, since I have seen so much local coverage, in this newspaper as well as our TV news, that seems to gloss over or ignore the option. I did not intend to judge or even upset families who choose to place their children in day care. I just want us all to THINK through our options.
Perhaps it was clear from my letter: I am a stay at home mom. I did not arrive at this lifestyle lightly. I have read both books mentioned in the above comments, Leslie Bennetts' "The Feminine Mistake" as well as Brenda Hunter's "Home by Choice: Raising Emotionally Secure Children in an Insecure World" (among many other great and informative books). I've considered both sides of the so-called "mommy wars" and decided that for my family, I want to be with my children full time. It is my dream that all families take time to think about their parenting choices.
"It is my dream that all families take time to think about their parenting choices."
That's a little insulting to parents who work. I have thought about my parenting choices, very carefully. When I went back to work, I looked long and hard to find the right childcare for my then-1 year old daughter, and I found it. I found an in-home care that provided exactly what I wanted for my kids -- love, attention, fun things to do, friends.
Nine years later, my now-10 year old and 6 year old go to the same childcare provider two afternoons a week. My kids are friends with her kids. We get together on weekends, have special holiday traditions together, go to the ballet and theater together. We babysit for each other when we want to have "date nights." Essentially, my kids have an adult in their lives who loves them and would do anything for them.
Work wasn't a choice for me, it was a necessity. Where I had a choice was in my childcare, and I worked hard to make the right choice.
Yes, I *could* stay home. We would not be able to heat our home. Hell, we wouldn't be able own a home. My husband is a professional, but it isn't cheap to live in Fairbanks. We could not live on half of what we currently earn, even if we made extreme cut-backs. I choose not to live in a small apartment and eat ramen or mac and cheese 7 days a week, which is what the reality for our family would be if only one parent worked.
Yes, exactly, she didn't even think about or mention single mothers, but just ASSUMED that ANYONE could budget to stay at home with there children. My question...how would I or anyone in my situation, budget to stay home with there child/children (which I would LOVE to do) and not in some way need "assistance"?? I read between the lines. Obviously this is a sensitive subject for quite a few people...
I never said that all stay at home moms were on welfare, but if you are a single mother and NOT on any kind of assistance, I would love to know your secret. For myself, personally, I took responsibility for my actions and choose to raise my child the best way I can. I found an excellent daycare, and have no problem leaving my child there while I work to provide a roof over our head, food on our plates, and a bed to sleep in.
But reading this article over and over, I think this person just ASSUMES that everyone has the option to stay at home with there children.
I'm not speaking just on my behalf or knocking the parent that is struggling to work/going to school to better themselves that are on assistance, I believe that is what those programs are for...but to assume that everyone has this option to just...stay at home, and not work is asinine.
One answer for the single mom (or dad) is fixing the child support laws so that enough money is received to balance out what is missing by having that extra income earner. Not to suggest that this would solve all of the ills or that women/men should not make better choices about who they choose to create children with, or that all non-custodial parents don't suppor