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As unlikely as this sounds, I have been cast as a “dashing romantic hero” for my stage debut.

I don’t count the time that I appeared as a circus clown at the Carlson Center as acting.

“Filbert Finchley” doesn’t sound like a “dashing romantic hero” to me, so I have to take director Peggy Ferguson’s word on that. She says the role is something like Indiana Jones. I see myself more along the lines of Gabby Hayes.

The other participants preparing to appear in the one-time-only showing of “The Damsel of the Desert” are thespians with theatrical talent, if not actual acting skills.

Jeri Wigdahl plays “Melody, the romantic sweetheart.” Marilyn Romano is “Mavis, the wild sister.” Bart LeBon, who I hope doesn’t worry about being typecast, is “Lamont Lestrow, the villain who isn’t so bad.”

Althea St. Martin is “Letitia, the loving earth mother.”

Unlike other years, the five guest actors are performing the entire play, which may inadvertently enhance the comedic content.

We will have scripts in hand because we don’t have time or, in my case, the ability, to remember the lines.

To help preserve calm and a serene, meditative atmosphere, Bernie Karl has been tapped as the master of ceremonies.

We are doing this in an attempt to provide some laughs and raise some money for the Fairbanks Drama Association.

The Mystery Dinner Theatre production is set to take place under the tent on the lawn of the Riverfront Theatre on July 12. The no-host bar opens at 6 p.m., with dinner at 7 p.m. and the show at 8:15 p.m.

Tickets are $75 per person or $500 for a table of eight. The breakdown is $25 for the cost of the dinner, $20 for the show and $30 as a donation.

The dinner is being catered by David Welborn and his staff at the Carlson Center.

The drama association survives not on the kindness of strangers, but on the support of those who treasure the idea of local theater and want to see it preserved. I don’t attend every FDA production, but I have been to dozens of them over the years. The cast of characters is always changing, but FDA is as much a part of Fairbanks life as square tires in the winter and late-night sunlight in summer.

The “Damsel of the Desert” will not match a real play, but I hope you see this as a worthy reason to gather along the river and help the drama association.

To make a reservation by credit card, call 456-PLAY (456-7529).

Filbert, Melody, Mavis, Lamont and Letitia will thank you.

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RETIRING: Carol Hiltunen, who I’m told is only the second person in the history of the borough to hold the position of “collections supervisor,” retired Monday after 31 years on the job.

She went to work June 27, 1977, in the financial services department and handled a difficult job with tact and good customer service skills.

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FRACTIONS: The city deregulated taxi fees long ago in Fairbanks. The multitude of local cab companies, many of them one-car operations, charge different amounts. For years, a lot of them have calculated charges based on 10 cents for a fraction of a mile.

Not too many years ago, it was 10 cents was for every 20th of a mile, meaning $2 a mile.

With the rising cost of gas, the cabs still on the 10-cent plan have had to slice the mile into smaller and smaller pieces.

There are some now charging 10 cents for every 31st of a mile. If my wife’s math is right, that’s 10 cents for every 170 feet, give or take a few inches. So just how low will the fluctuating fraction go?

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FROM THE E-MAILBAG: Mike Bergt, who left Fairbanks in 1978 and lives in Anchorage, writes of a recent visit to his old home town and a question that came up.

He wonders what do we call those “nasty flying black beetles with antlers.”

The spruce-loving beetles are whitespotted sawyers.

“To find out why they are also called Spruce Sawyers, put your ear up to a dead spruce to listen for the sawing sound of the chewing larva,” writes Nora Bryan on the Talk about Wildlife Web site.

There seem to be a lot of these beetles about this year, based on the number of phone calls Diane Claassen has been getting at the Cooperative Extension Service.

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ROAD WORK: Paving work on the new turn lanes on the Johansen Expressway near the Old Steese Highway is expected this week. The evening lane closures will end after that happens, according to DOT officials.

The new traffic light and light poles are expected to arrive in mid to late August for the addition of the fourth leg at that intersection.

The work is being paid for by the owners of the Northside Business Park, which is the land that will be accessible from the expanded intersection.

The lots on the north side of the Johansen are on the market at prices from $18 to $20 per square foot, according to the company’s Web site.

The development is planned in four phases. Twenty of the 46 commercial lots on the property are for sale in the first phase.

Dermot Cole can be reached at cole@newsminer.com or 459-7530.